Did you know that about 70% of Americans get involved in at least some form of infidelity in their married life?
This gives rise to the question, “Is your spouse really loyal to you?”
Now, are you one of those unfortunate people whose spouse has cheated on them?
So sorry to hear that, dear! Getting to know that the person you love has cheated on you can give rise to a whirlwind of emotions – disbelief, anger, despair, disgust, and, of course, extreme pain.
But honey, you need to be strong, take charge of your emotions and confront your husband or wife.
You may feel clueless and can’t decide what would be the right questions to ask them. So, to help you with that, I have listed down ten questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.
I know you are in an extremely difficult situation here, and hurt, as this is not just one of those casual rough patches that you may experience in marriage. This is a LOT more than that – something that can even end your marriage.
But dear, not everyone takes marriage seriously, and those people don’t feel bad hurting their loved ones or breaking the sacred vows of marriage.
If you are married to someone unfaithful like that, it is time to take the right decision. Start by asking the following questions.
Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse
Now that you have found out your spouse has been cheating on you; you need to have closure. And for that, you need to ask some important questions regarding their extra-marital affair. So, what to ask your unfaithful spouse? Read on.
- How did you Allow Yourself to Cheat on me?
If you want to understand what he/she was thinking when he/she wanted to cheat on you, you need to ask this question.
What was their frame of mind at that time? How did he/she think that it was okay to cheat on you or be unfaithful to you?
Was there any issue in your married life that he/she used as an excuse to make their act of cheating the right thing to do? For example, was he/she getting anything extra from the extramarital relationship that was lacking in your marital relationship? Or, does he/she not believe in the concept of monogamy and marriage?
Ask him/her everything. The answers that you will get will give you an idea about their sense of morality and values. In addition, you will get to understand where the cracks are in the marital bond that has led your spouse to be unfaithful towards you.
Dear, you may feel the pain to hear your partner justify their disgusting act, but listen to them carefully. This will help you to make the right decision regarding your marriage.
Just a little advice: Don’t question your spouse right after you find out about their infidelity. This is because your emotions will be running high, and you will not be in your actual self. So, take some time, cool down, and then question your spouse.
Remember, your aim here is to uncover as much information as you can from your partner so that you can make the right decision.
- Have you Thought About Cheating on me Before too?
You need to know this, as you now know that your spouse has cheated on you.
Has he/she ever thought of cheating on you before? If so, what did he/she do then? If not, why? Was it because there was a lack of opportunities, or did he/she not want to betray you?
Getting answers to these questions will help you understand if this was a one-time thing for your spouse or if he/she is the kind who always looks for opportunities to get into some side action.
If your husband or wife falls in the former category, you need to understand the weaknesses in your marriage that may lead them to cheat you.
And if your partner falls in the latter category, know that there is a possibility that your partner has had many other one-night stands or affairs in the past. He/she is someone who is always looking for variety in his/her sex life.
Now, let me tell you one thing. When you ask such hard-hitting questions to your unfaithful spouse, there is a high chance that he/she will lie to you. So, pay close attention to him/her while he/she speaks. Is he/she diverting their gaze? Do him/her answers keep changing? Are there lingering silences in-between their answers? Then the chances are that he/she is lying.
Bonus Read: 17 Sure Signs He Doesn’t Want to Marry You
- Did you Feel Guilty at All?
Betrayal can devastate you, and you can get into a trauma. I understand your situation, as I had a very close friend who got cheated on by her husband. I have seen her suffering.
So, you need to know if your partner felt guilty about cheating on you. Of course, he/she knew he/she was doing something that he/she shouldn’t – at any cost, given that he/she is married.
But did he/she feel guilty about it? How did he/she feel after having sex with their lover? What was he/she thinking after coming home to you after a steamy date with that person? And when you called your spouse, he/she probably gave you some work excuse.
You know many people feel bad about sleeping with their lover outside of their marriage. But the interesting part is that they continue to do so and go deeper into this dark path despite their sense of guilt.
If your spouse answers you something that you never thought they would have said, it can shock you, and you might feel that you never really knew them (your spouse).
Hearing the answer from them will give you a better understanding of how he/she values and feel about you and your marriage. If your spouse doesn’t feel any guilt about committing the heinous act of cheating on you, it can be really bad news for your marriage.
- Are you in Love with that Person?
Now that you have found out that your husband or wife has been cheating on you or having an affair, you can’t rule out the possibility of them being emotionally attached to this other person. This makes it one of the most important questions to ask your unfaithful spouse.
Honey, asking this question or knowing this answer is not going to be easy for you.
If your partner confesses that he/she really has fallen in love with this other person, you both need to sit and decide what you will do with your marriage.
Is it possible for a person to be in love with more than one person at the same time? Do you think that this actually can be? If your spouse says that he/she loves both you and this other person, are you going to believe that?
Once you are convinced that your spouse’s physical affair has turned into an emotional one, know that the chances are that your partner is not going to leave their affair partner or stop having desires for them anytime soon.
Forgiving your partner for having an affair behind your back is NOT an easy thing to do. So get all the information that you can about that affair from your spouse. This will help you make a more informed decision about what to do next.
- How Long have you been with that Extra-Marital Affair?
Now, this question is very important. You need to ask your spouse how long he/she has been cheating on you.
Whatever the answer your spouse gives you – be it two years or four years – you will start getting a flashback of your life during these years right in front of you. Suddenly, you will get to identify all those times when your partner lied to you so that they could stay with their lover and away from you.
There may be times when for a fraction of a second, you felt that your partner was lying to you, but then you told yourself that it couldn’t be as he/she loves you a lot. However, several incidents as such may come to your mind that make it clear that your spouse has been cheating on you, and you would feel devastated.
All those special moments between your spouse and you may seem like a big lie. You may feel hurt and angry at the same time. All their weekends and business trips spent away, the late nights at the office that your partner claimed to have had – all were lies. You may find it difficult to think straight.
But honey, it is important to ask this question and know about your spouse’s affair as much as you can. This way, you will be able to understand the depth of your partner’s extra-marital affair.
- Have I Crossed your Mind at Least Once?
I feel so sorry for you, dear, as I can understand how painful it will be for you to ask this question to your unfaithful spouse.
But, dear, you have to, at least for the sake of your marriage.
So, did your partner think about you at least once? Did he/she ever give it a thought that how their affair with this other person would impact you? How would it break you into pieces? And how would it risk the sacred bond of your marriage?
If he/she say “yes,” ask them how these disastrous consequences were not enough to stop them from getting involved in an extra-marital affair. Was he/she thinking about that person when they were with you, in your bedroom? If so, was he/she also thinking about you when he/she was with that person with whom he/she was having an affair?
Was your spouse emotionally involved in that affair? Then the chances are that their affair partner was there always – between the two of you.
Don’t avoid these questions thinking that the answers will be a lot for you to bear. Just go to the root of their affair and see where it went wrong in your relationship, if at all.
- Was I ever the Subject of your Conversation?
Did your spouse’s lover know about you? If so, how did your spouse portray you to them? Did he/she portray you as the villain in the relationship? Did he/she use the age-old dirty trick saying that they are stuck with you in an unhappy marriage where there is no love so that they can be in a relationship with that person? Did your partner promise them that you will get divorced to win this person’s love? Did your spouse discuss having a family together with their extra-marital affair partner?
If your partner’s answer to all these questions is “yes,” then dear, you need to think a lot – if it is really worth it to give them a second chance in your marriage. All this while you may have thought that you were a regular couple with both happy and sad moments in your marriage, but now that you have come to know about your partner’s affair and that they have used your existence to get physical with someone – your world may break down.
Darling, you deserve someone a LOT better than a cheating and lying partner who would not think twice to portray you as a villain so that he/she can get close to someone else.
Also Read: How To Make A Guy Regret Ghosting You?
- What is it that I Lack and they have?
I’m not listing this question to ask your unfaithful spouse to demean your self-worth. Always know that you are the one your spouse chose to love and get into the sacred bond of marriage for who you are. You are perfect the way you are – and you don’t lack anything. Also, know that you don’t need to change yourself in order to be loved by someone.
I’m listing this question because it is important for you to know – given the situation. And you need to know your spouse’s perspective too. For example, maybe you were having a hard time balancing your domestic responsibilities and work. And because of that, you couldn’t spend much time with your partner. This might have created a communication gap between the two of you and made room for a third person.
Your spouse might have found something in their extra-marital affair partner that they didn’t get in you. Maybe it was for a short period of time, but still, there was something that made you and that third person different. Do you want to give your marriage a second chance? Then, honey, you need to have a good understanding of these problem areas so that you can find solutions to them.
- Do you Still Feel for that Person?
When cheaters get caught, most of them swear that they would no longer continue the affair and are ready to make amends.
But, the question is, does your partner really mean that? Or is he/she making these fake promises just to be in the marriage?
If you ask your spouse if he/she still has feelings for that person, you will be able to assess how sincere your partner’s promises are. Therefore, you can regard this infidelity question as one of the most important ones in the lot.
Does your spouse still have affections for their extra-marital lover? Then the chances are that he/she would go to them sooner or later, without thinking about you. But, you know, you will not be able to recover from another incident of cheating. And so does your marriage. So, find out about your spouse’s feelings now, sit and make a decision that is best for all three of you.
If your partner still has feelings for that other person, it means that their relationship is not just physical. Instead, there might be a little more than the lust. So, once you get the answer, you will be able to decide whether to hold on to your marriage or let go and create a better future for yourself.
- Do you Want them in your Future?
You need to know if your spouse planned a future with their affair partner. It can be both long-term and short-term.
Did your partner plan on going on a vacation with that person? Did he/she plan on moving in with that person?
Having answers to these questions will make you understand how deeply your partner is involved with that third person. For example, if your spouse was planning to move out and stay with their affair partner, then know that he/she has been involved with their partner on a much deeper level.
You can’t dismiss it as a fleeting transgression anymore. Your spouse’s affair with this person has developed into a full-blown relationship, where there is physical intimacy and emotional attachment. And if that is the case, it would be wise for you to move out of your marriage and let go of your toxic spouse. After all, you don’t want to be in a marriage where there is someone else in your partner’s mind and heart, isn’t it?
Conclusion
These are my top questions to ask your unfaithful spouse. And while you ask them these questions, pay close attention to how he/she is responding. After all, whether or not you should forgive your spouse for cheating on you depends on their answers. If you find your husband or wife defensive while replying, know that he/she don’t regret sleeping with another person despite being married. And the chances are that if you forgive them this time, they will repeat the same. So, it would be better if you just came out of this marriage without trying to make things work between the two of you.
Hey there, Martha here, a full-time mom of two, currently trying to bring a small impact in everyone’s life whom I can reach through The Queen Momma. I usually write on topics related to parenting, pregnancy and motherhood. Having gone through a few rocky relationships myself, I consider myself somewhat of an “expert” on topics related to dating and relationships.
I formerly worked at Special Needs Network Inc and BrightStar Care of Beverly Hills as a head manager. I have a passion for assisting organizations and individuals in achieving their objectives and have had the opportunity to do so throughout my professional career. At present, writing for The Queen Momma is a great addition to my professional career.