Can you ever stop loving someone? Can you ever get past the pain and move on?
Those questions are familiar to every person who has experienced heartbreak. When a relationship that meant so much to you with someone you loved deeply suddenly ends, the love lingers and consumes you, and you can’t help but think, will I ever be able to move past this and let it go? And for a while, the answer to that would be that it feels like it’s just not possible.
But what you must remember that it is possible to heal, to not be consumed by the feelings you had for your ex, and to move forward. The definition of “stopping” when it comes to loving someone may vary, and we will discuss that here too, but no matter the definition, what is constant is this: You will get past this. You’ll find your happiness again, and it won’t be attached to that person. You’ll be complete, fulfilled, and with a life full of love again, on your own and maybe eventually with someone new.
Making The Choice
They say that love is more than just a feeling. It is also a choice. This rings true especially when you’ve ended a relationship and you have made the decision to not want your ex to still have a hold on your mind and your heart. When it comes to the question, Can you ever stop loving someone, the first thing you have to do is to make that conscious choice to not nurture those feelings of love anymore, and to slowly let it go.
Here are some things that can help you make that crucial decision for your heart.
1. Acceptance of that Love
Yes, they do say that love is a choice. But it’s also not something you can simply just will away or force out of your heart. Love is not the villain here. It is not a bad thing. The first thing you have to do to eventually get those feelings out of your system is by accepting those very feelings. Accept that this love is there. Accept that this is something you are feeling, and something that is part of who you are. That important step is what will help you to eventually also accept the reality of the situation you are in, and move past it. Accept in your heart that yes, you love him, and you may feel right now that it’s impossible to stop loving them, but that maybe you aren’t meant to be together for the long haul.
Take the time to understand those feelings that you have. Remember that love needs attention. And all that time you spend trying to think of ways to stop loving that person is actually only feeding into the feelings that you want to get past. That’s why the best thing is to accept the existence of those feelings — and then find distractions so you don’t obsess over them. Pretty soon, you’ll find that weeks, months have gone by without you even thinking of them.
And turn that love that you’re feeling for that person, and focus it towards yourself. Direct that love inwards. Take care of you the way you used to take care of him. Embrace your life now. Fall in love with your life, and find new things about it to immerse yourself in.
2. Ending the Idealization
True love is all encompassing. When you really, truly love someone, you know them inside and out, and you accept and love all the good and the bad. It means you’re chosen to be there and take the good days and the bad days. True love is not easy, and it takes strength, patience, and perseverance. It takes wholly accepting all the ups and downs that come with being with your significant other.
But once a relationship ends, there is sometimes that tendency to place him on a pedestal. You may begin to hold on to the good parts of the relationship you had, and kind of brush aside the bad stuff. Or, it also happens that you may have ended up falling for the idealized version of the person you were with, and may have seen him through rose-tinted glasses, only seeing the lovely side of them, the part of them you wanted to have in your life.
We’re not saying that you should thus focus on all the negative aspects so that you can eventually stop feeling the love that you’re feeling for him. Rather, to just consciously stop idealizing him. Don’t hold on to the resentment or hurt or anger you may feel — choose forgiveness, because that is key in finally being able to move on. Forgive, but also, remember all the good and the bad and see the person for who he truly is. He’s not a completely horrible person, neither is he a specimen of perfection. He’s human, and there was a reason, or many reasons, you two did not work out. Taking him off that pedestal will help you to keep a good perspective on that, and help you to move on.
3. Focusing on you
So your relationship ended. Now you’re struggling with feelings you may not want to be feeling anymore, feelings that are hindering from you being able to get past the heartbreak. You may also be feeling that it’s a reflection on you, and that you may have been the failure. It’s more important than ever at this crucial point to know and believe that the end of your relationship is not something that is your fault, it is not something you failed at.
Sometimes, relationships just don’t work out. You two may not have been the best suited for each other at that moment in time. Other things may have been going on with him and external factors may have played a hand in his behaviors and decision. But it is not something to be solely blamed on you. Remember that.
Now is the time to focus on yourself. Accept that yes, you may have made mistakes also, after all it takes two to tango. But however their feelings for you may have cooled does not reflect on who you are or your value as a person. You are worth more than the heartbreak you are feeling. And you deserve to be loved and accepted. So as we said earlier, focus on yourself. Turn that love that you may still be harboring towards your ex inwards and direct it towards you. Love yourself, and that will help you heal. And healing is important when it comes to being able to move on and let go of your emotions for him.
4. Talking to Someone
Heartbreak is not easy. Having lingering feelings for someone, feelings that you’re struggling to get rid of, is not easy. In fact, this can get so challenging that it may consume your day to day, it may get you fearing that you’ll forever be alone or that you’ll never get over that person, it may make you feel like you’ll always just be hopelessly in love with him and you won’t ever love anyone else. These things can completely overwhelm you and eat at your day to day. Affecting your quality of life and your happiness and your peace of mind.
If what we’re saying sounds at all familiar to you, then maybe it may help for you to find someone you can talk to. It may be a counsellor, it may also be a trusted friend or family member whom you know can be a strong confidante who can be trusted and who will be able to give you unbiased opinions. Having someone to talk to will allow you to voice out your frustrations, your messy emotions, your anxieties. And voicing them out can actually help you to put everything in perspective and see things more clearly. It will allow you to work through those feelings of love, and to slowly be able to make that decision to let things go, and start to do so, little by little.
Also, being able to express your feelings to someone will help you to feel lighter somehow. It will take all that weight from you, those emotions that have been weighing you down will no longer consume you as much. And that will help you to slowly be able to start living life again, without having those feelings always hovering over you. You will feel better. And that’s always a good thing, and a step in the right direction.
5. Letting go of the Worry and Anxiety
You really, really, really want to stop being in love with your ex. You know it in your heart and in your mind. So now you’re probably stressing yourself out worrying about how you can do that. You’ve become very, very anxious about how to flush those feelings out of your system. It’s something that you may have been obsessing about, even. That’s completely understandable. But maybe it’s time to change your perspective and your goals. Try to change the direction of what’s occupying your mind.
Because here’s the thing: You don’t need to have all the answers right now. You don’t need to find the solution ASAP. And you don’t need to wait until you have stopped loving that person in order to start being happy and whole again. Things change, relationships sour, and feelings fade. It may feel like you can never stop loving him right now, but one day, you’ll find that you aren’t so consumed by those feelings anymore. Right now, try not to let yourself be consumed by that fervent desire for that to happen already. Let things happen naturally. Let go of the worries and the anxieties. You may not be in control of how your relationship turned out, but you can choose how to be in the aftermath.
It’s possible that with time, everything will be better. Right now, focus on the present. Stop obsessing over getting rid of that love you still feel, and instead dedicate your energy into being in the now, and choosing to be happy. Letting go of the worrying will also help you to not place so much attention on that love which will help you to eventually forget it, or at least move past it. And it will also help you to find your happiness again.
YES, YOU CAN!
So can you ever stop loving someone? They say it’s possible. You’ve made up your mind, he’s no longer someone you feel should have a place in your heart. Once you’re definitely decided and determined, here are some steps you can take to stop loving someone – and start moving on.
1. Spend time with your Family
Family is your constant. Having family to turn to is an incredible blessing. As we get older and become more involved in what’s going on in our lives, we may tend to spend less time with them. But these loved ones, they are your home. Cherish them, rediscover just how wonderful they are. Turn to them, spend time with them. Being around family will make you feel safe, cared for, and loved.
2. Surround Yourself with Positive People
Getting your heart broken, ending a relationship with someone you feel strongly about, that’s tough. It’s very hard, and it can get you down. That’s why it’s important now more than ever to surround yourself with positivity. Find people who exude positive energy and who love and value themselves. These people will be able to lift you up, and keep you from wallowing in the hurt and pain.
3. Practice Meditation
By meditation, we mean learning to find your center. Focusing inward, and directing all your energy and thoughts into yourself. Often, people spend so much energy and time on other things, on other people. But now is the time to take some quiet moments and just be one with your thoughts, your emotions, and your mind. This will help you to work everything out internally, work on yourself and your emotions and your happiness. Instead of focusing on how to stop loving him, meditate and turn inward and focus on loving yourself.
4. Be Grateful for you
The end of a relationship can often get you feeling down about yourself. You may experience feelings of blame directed towards yourself, and you may lose sight of your own value and self worth. So every day, before you sleep, try to think of ten things that you are grateful for. This will help you to center yourself again and remember your worth, and appreciate what an amazing person you are — with or without that relationship.
5. Incorporate a Healthy Routine
Everyone is guilty of sometimes not being as mindful as we should be about living a healthy lifestyle. And especially when there are feelings of heartbreak and hurt, when there is a tendency to really just not place so much attention on keeping a healthy routine. You don’t sleep enough or eat enough, or you may overdo it. You may chuck your physical fitness out the door. Try to be more mindful about these again. Take care of yourself, and get back to your healthy routine. A healthy you will be a better you, and you will feel way better, too.
6. Converse with Friends
True friends are a gift. And they are there for you, no matter what. During this time that you are still struggling, spend time with them. Go out with them, talk to them. They will surround you with that much needed positive energy that you need, and they will see you through this. And you’ll feel better, and have some fun, which will help you heal.
7. Spend Some Time with you, too
When you were in a relationship, you probably spent most of your time with him. Now that things are different, it’s a great time to spend time with yourself. Watch your favorite show, enjoy a great cup of coffee. Have some wine and toast to new beginnings! Spending time with yourself will help you to redirect that lingering love inwards, towards you.
8. Accept that this Whole Thing is an Ongoing Process
When feelings are real, they won’t easily go away. Real emotions take time. It’s not something you can just turn off with a switch. Your mind and your heart are going to need some time to work through everything. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to let go and move on and stop feeling. Just learn to acknowledge your emotions and your situation, embrace the present, and patiently know that this, too, shall pass.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
After you’ve thought about if you can ever stop loving someone and have made the decision to work on yourself so that you can eventually move on, the question now becomes, How do you know that what you’re doing is working? Again, these things take time, and you won’t find yourself just waking up one day shortly after with all traces of feelings gone, just like that! But there are subtle signs that will show you that you are healing and that you are getting there.
1. You Finally can Clearly see that there is no Reason to Continue the Love
Real love means letting each other grow, and also growing together. That’s a beautiful part of any relationship, that growth. But there comes a time that you’ve just grown all that you can together. There’s nowhere to move forward together. When the time comes that you can see that clearly, and you can see clearly that the next step to take is apart, and that person no longer feels like the one thing that inspires you every day, then you know that you are healing.
It’s not necessarily that you’ve stopped loving them completely, but you’ve learned to see them from a different light, and not anymore through lovestruck lens.
2. You Start to Value Yourself Again Above that Love
Really and truly living someone means that you often find yourself putting that person first. How he is, how he’s feeling, making him happy and taking care of him. Even after the relationship, you may still find yourself thinking about him more than yourself. But the time will come when you realize that you are thinking more about, well, YOU. And this is a sign that those feelings you had for him are slowly fading away.
3. You Realize that the Memories are no Longer Worth the Struggle
Loving someone and being with someone means you shared a life together. You’ve built a foundation and you’ve made many, many memories together. And when the relationship ends, sometimes what’s so hard to let go of are those memories, all of those things you shared. So you hold on to those memories, you hold on to what you had. But there will come a time when you’ll find yourself getting tired of holding on so tight. Your heart may grow weary, and you will realize that those very memories are not worth the struggle anymore. Those memories won’t lose their value, but you’ll see them in a whole new light – as things to set aside and cherish, and not keep on fighting for.
4. You Begin to see your Future Without him
Again, when you love someone and were in a relationship, then you’ve probably envisioned a future together. When the relationship ends, you still can’t help but see that future with him, and can’t imagine a world without him by your side. And that makes it harder for you to stop feeling those feelings you have for him. But soon, despite those feelings, you’ll start seeing a future alone, and you’ll start to look forward to that future and head towards that future.
5. The Saying ‘Love Never Ends’ isn’t Something that Affects you Much Anymore
People say that love never ends. Poems have been written, songs have been sung, stories have been told about that. And perhaps, yes, in a way, that is true. But in the same vein, love doesn’t have to always consume you, especially after a relationship. So when the time comes that you hear that saying and it no longer triggers you and your heart, then that means that you have accepted and acknowledged that love for what it is — as something you feel for someone who was just meant to be for a certain period of time.
6. There is no more Bitterness in you
When a relationship ends, when a person decides to leave or says they no longer feel the same way about you, that hurts. That really hurts. And you can’t help but feel pain and even anger and bitterness because of it, particularly because you haven’t gotten over it. You still love that person, and at the same time you feel so much bitterness in your heart for that person. When you find yourself in the moment that you realize that, hey, I’m not bitter anymore, then that’s a good sign that you are beginning to heal and move on. And that the love you had for that person is no longer overpowering you.
FROM THE HEART
We’ve gone through the steps and the ways you can try to stop loving someone. And these things are very helpful certainly when it comes to being able to move on from those strong emotions and start fresh. But what does it really mean when we say, “stop loving someone”? While some believe really and truly getting rid of that love is possible, there are others who interpret it all differently. And this may be helpful also for you, particularly if you believe that real love never really goes away.
Maybe it’s not all about making it “go away”. Maybe to “stop loving someone” means loving them in the way you always used to.
Can you Ever Stop Loving Someone if that Love was Real and True?
They say it’s possible to stop loving someone — the way you used to. The love that you feel for that person, it will change. It won’t necessarily really go away, but it will be different. You won’t be in love with him, but you’ll always cherish what you had with him and acknowledge what he brought to your life at one point. You will always have a certain affection for him, and that doesn’t have to go away, but it won’t be the all-consuming, soul-crushing love that you had before and are trying to get rid of now. It will evolve. And this evolution will allow you to move on and open your heart to being in love with someone else, in time.
Can you Ever Forget that Love?
When you loved someone deeply and you shared so much with them, then it’s not about forgetting them. Because they were a part of your life for a significant period of time, then that’s something you can’t erase. But when they say “stop loving someone”, what this can mean is that you are able to accept what they meant to you then, and move on.
Can time Make you Stop Loving Someone?
Time heals all wounds, they say. And that is true, even when it comes to your feelings for someone you are no longer in a relationship with. Again, it doesn’t mean that time is the great eraser that will just magically take away everything. But it will help you gain a whole new, healthier perspective about your past, and allow you to longer be hung up on that person, and move forward with new relationships.
Does ‘Moving on’ Mean you’ve Stopped Loving that Person?
This all comes back to what’s been said earlier: When you truly let go and move on and say you’ve stopped loving that person, it’s not always in the most literal sense. Sometimes, what that means is that when you’ve moved on, you’ve accepted what happened and how things did not work out between you two, and you’re able to get on with your life. When the love you had was real, then perhaps it will never truly stop. But it can evolve into having a healthy affection for someone who once meant more to you than anything.
Love is a very strong, intense, powerful emotion. When you feel it towards someone else, and then things change, it’s not easy to get over those emotions. And truthfully, though it does happen that sometimes after a relationship ends you find that you no longer feel those feelings at all for someone, the reality also is that if the love was real and true and deep, then it’s actually not about stopping that love, but about that love evolving eventually into something that will stay with you but will no longer consume you or control you or hinder you from having a wonderful future on your own.
Can you ever stop loving someone? Well, you can stop loving them in the way you used to. You can, in time, stop being in love with them. And that will allow you to move on, and embrace all that life has to offer.
Hey there, Martha here, a full-time mom of two, currently trying to bring a small impact in everyone’s life whom I can reach through The Queen Momma. I usually write on topics related to parenting, pregnancy and motherhood. Having gone through a few rocky relationships myself, I consider myself somewhat of an “expert” on topics related to dating and relationships.
I formerly worked at Special Needs Network Inc and BrightStar Care of Beverly Hills as a head manager. I have a passion for assisting organizations and individuals in achieving their objectives and have had the opportunity to do so throughout my professional career. At present, writing for The Queen Momma is a great addition to my professional career.