From sharing all your intimate details day-in and day-out to complete radio silence for weeks or even months after a breakup can be devastating. Adjusting to the new life pattern has been tough, but even after days, your heart and mind beg for some re-engagement.
You pull your phone, tempted to make a bold statement or a grandiose gesture to restart the conversation. But wait! Do not text in a reflex. Instead, ponder over the right manner to approach your ex after a seemingly long “no contact” phase.
Text After No Contact – How to Approach?
The idea is to go casual, neither getting overly emotional nor pressuring your ex to start communicating with you. You have been waiting for this day, but your ex does not need to know how desperate you are to get back to talking again.
The secret here is to approach this conversation in a friendly yet laid-back manner without showing any hurry to reopen the communication doors. Short, spontaneous, and easy to respond messages are the need of the moment.
Is it Even a Good Idea to Text?
Do you want to text your ex after so many days of “no contact”? You are the best judge to decide.
- How did your relationship end? Was it a brutal bond that you wished never started in the first place? Was your relationship abusive? Then it is best to let the bad memories fade away instead of digging into a painful association with rose-tinted spectacles. If your relationship was toxic, chuck the phone away because you are better off without your ex.
- How long has it been since you called it quits? If it has been just a couple of weeks, then it is pretty soon to reach out. Wait for a few months and give some time for any residue longing and hard feelings to fade away before you decide to enter into a platonic relationship.
- Judge your emotional state without putting any time parameter to decide when you should re-engage the contact. Wait till you feel safe and fully healed.
- Lastly, question yourself on how much void that person has created in your life to decide if it is even worth pondering over what to text.
Once you have been through all these aspects and you still find your fingers itching to type the text, then let us get you sorted with some ideas of what your one-liner should be about.
What to Text Your EX After a Period of “No Contact”?
Choosing to go “no contact” is a great way to heal from heartbreak. But zero communication with someone whom you were so used to talking to all through the day feels shattering. Your relationship is over, and it is time that you accept this reality.
After surviving months of “no contact”, you can get back to talking, maybe just as friends. But the decision to establish contact again overwhelms you with another challenge. What should you text?
Let us help you with a few ways to resume conversation without portraying your anxiousness.
1. Have a Good Memory Together? It Could be a Great Texting Idea!
- The approach
Your last meeting with your ex was not great, but there have been good times that you have spent with each other. Think of such a funny, nice and sweet memory. Be careful not to come up with anything romantic as it could end up sending mixed signals which you should avoid. Instead, share something that you know would put a smile on their face, may soften them up a bit, and maybe even make them reconsider your offer for friendship.
This method is a no-brainer and works most of the time. You use memory with your ex to resume connection telling him or her how the incident accidentally reminded you of them. The key here is to frame your text such that your ex does not get the hint that you have been thinking about them throughout, but it was the memory that triggered the text.
Keep the text light-hearted with a little tinge of humor if possible. The text should make them believe that you are not desperate or needy, and the conversation starter is not with the intention to get back together.
- Here is an example.
You: Hi, I was just walking through the Square and passed your favorite ice cream joint. It reminded me of you and the number of hours we used to sit there trying out the different ice cream flavors.
How have you been?
- What does it achieve?
The above message hits right at the point. It is short and conveys the information perfectly. It will make your ex relive the fun times that you spent together. You are customizing the text with a personal experience does the trick.
2. Does your Ex have Some Expertise? Use it to Instigate a Conversation
- The approach
A low-pressure way of engaging with your ex again could be to ask advice on something that your ex is skilled or an expert at. Reach out to ask for guidance for yourself or a friend. People like it when approached for advice, and this could be an indirect way to start talking again.
People like giving advice. It makes them feel important. Use this to your advantage to get back in talking terms with your ex after “no contact”. Brainstorm to think about the expertise that your ex is proud of. If you are not sure of something, then you may ask for advice about a hobby that your ex is interested in.
Instead of texting the question right away, it does pay to ask permission first.
- Here is an example
You: Hi, my nephew needs to write a book synopsis for his school project. He is in the 9th grade. Can I discuss it with you?
Ex: Sure.
The chances of your ex not replying to this question are pretty rare. So you see how a simple question sparked the conversation?
You: You have good taste in books, so I was wondering if you could recommend a book that he could pick up and write about.
Ex: Absolutely! Any genre that your nephew is particularly interested in?
You: He is interested in sci-fi and mystery. However, I will confirm it once and get back to you so you can suggest accordingly.
Ex: That would be great!
You: Thank you for your time. I hope things are otherwise great at your end!
- What does it achieve?
You see how the conversation starts to flow, giving you something to talk about with your ex again after a day or two. And your ex also is kept waiting to hear from you to share his expert advice.
3. It is ok to Let them Know that you are Thinking of them. But Keep it Subtle!
- The approach
You do not want to get back together, but you also do not want that your ex forgets your existence. A reassuring and warm way is to let them know that you still remember them. The idea is to keep the message platonic and friendly so that your intentions are not misunderstood.
Stick to discussing something or presenting a scenario that your ex is interested in. This helps to build the conversation.
- Here is an example.
You: Hi, you will not believe what happened?
Ex: What?
You: Last week I watched my life’s first cricket match live at the stadium. And you know what? It was not boring at all. Rather I enjoyed it thoroughly. I now understand why you used to spend hours stuck watching all the matches on TV while I kept complaining!
- What does it achieve?
This simple text could make your ex want to ask you more about the match or who you went with? If he or she is equally interested in re-igniting the relationship, then this can be a great starter, and maybe they may even ask you to accompany them to the next match!
4. Creating a Little Bit of Positive Jealousy Through your First Text After “No Contact” Could also be a great Idea!
- The approach
Let me get it straight here. This texting plan after a “no contact” phase may not work for all. There are chances that it could backfire. Only if you are confident of pulling this off well should you give this method a try. You do not want to use this opportunity incorrectly and mess things up.
The emphasis here is on creating positive jealousy. The reason behind this text message is to let your ex know that you are fine with the breakup and are meeting new people now, though you are still open to talking with him or her and being friends.
- Here is an example.
Suppose your ex is a movie buff. When you were in a relationship, most date nights ended up as movie nights. Then here is the best example for you.
You: Hi, I just saw a great (Romaic movie) with a friend today. It is exactly the kind of movie you like. You definitely should watch it. I am sure you will enjoy it.
- What does it achieve?
The rationale here is to get into the mind of your ex without them realizing it. Imagining you with someone else watching movies similar to the good olden days you spent together is sure to spark a bit of jealousy. You become more desirable and attractive.
The tactic we are following here is called being “social proof.” When others find you fun and attractive, your ex starts to see you similarly. You, however, need to be careful to be subtle with the message. The text should hint that you are out with someone and having a gala time. Let your ex’s mind do the rest of the filing.
If the arrow hits the target right, you will get a reply soon.
5. Birthdays or Festivals are Great Occasions to Ignite a Conversation with a Simple Greeting
- The approach
It is your ex’s birthday, New Year’s eve, or some festival. Grab this opportunity to send a personalized wish and wait to see if they respond with the same eagerness. If yes, then you can take the conversation forward, asking what are their plans for the day and maybe how they have been all through these days.
- Here is an example.
You: Hi, I wish you a very happy birthday. So is it a butterscotch flavored cake again this time? Have a great day!
- What does it achieve?
Short and simple, this text is an amazing conversation starter after a long “no contact” phase. Birthday wishes are safe, and letting your ex know that you still remember his or her favorite flavor may bring back memories of their last few birthdays spent with you.
6. Check on an Update That was in the Pipeline
- The approach
If your ex was preparing for a significant shift in his or her life or if a promotion or a change in the job was due, then drop a text checking on their status, seeming keen to know how things are developing at their end.
- Here is an example:
You: Hi, You must have started your new job last week. I just wanted to wish you luck though I know you are killing it. I hope you have set in well?
- What does it achieve?
You have portrayed yourself as a well-wisher left with no grudges after the breakup. Instead, you remembered and congratulated your ex on the new job. Your ex is sure to reply to your message thanking you for the wishes, and once back to talking terms from there, it should be easy to steer the conversation in the direction you want to.
Listed above are some great examples to help you get back to talking with your ex after “no contact”. We understand your desperation, but you want to keep the first text after days of “no contact” friendly and light-toned. Do not make it a big deal and go overboard lest your ex may end up blocking your number from his or her phone.
Why Choose Text Over Calling?
This is a common question that lingers in the minds of most who want to get back to talking to their ex after a “no contact”. However, there is a reason why you should text and not call on the first go.
- Texting gives you time to think about the reply
- Calling after a long gap could create awkward moments when you both go mute, running out of things to speak with each other.
- You may end up sounding desperate or, even worse, sad over the phone call
- If you still have feelings, the chances of messing things up are low with texts
- You need composure and a good state of mind to make a phone call which is a risk not worth taking
Text messages give the correct amount of ambiguity. It leaves your ex wondering what’s going on in your life. The text allows you to build rapport and trust, something that may not be possible over a phone call.
Basic Checks Before You HIT SEND
Now that you have decided on what to text your ex, here is a quick checklist for you.
- Is your text drafted for an open-ended conversation?
- Is the text related to what your ex feels exciting about and not about your interests?
- Have you followed the golden rule, which is to avoid sending anything negative in the text?
- Have you ensured that the text does not portray a boring, desperate, or needy image?
- Is the text relaxed, not putting a lot of pressure on your ex to respond, or throwing any clue that you are hinting at getting back together in a romantic relationship?
- Is your text free from any mention about your ex’s dating status?
- Is it a casual text with no invitation for lunch or coffee?
- Did you draft, edit and proofread the text several times?
- Is the text short?
- Have you made sure that the text is not overloaded with information making it overwhelming to read?
You have got it right!
We are not sure if your ex is still interested in you. So you want to play safe here. Evaluate the text, be critical, and only when the text passes the checklist Hit Send.
When Should You Send The Text?
Timing is vital too. You do not want to send a text after days of “no contact” at a time when your ex is occupied with office or personal chores. Time the text when you assume that your ex would not be engaged in anything else. After dinner is a great time to choose when one is the least distracted; avoid sending the text late at night to not make them think that you have been out drinking late and texting.
After you Send the Text!
What’s next? Take a deep breath and give yourself a break from your phone. Read a book or go out for a run. De-stress and do not keep checking your phone every second, expecting a reply!
If your ex responds, keep the same casual tone and elicit some positive reactions and memories. The final goal of initiating this conversation is to not rush or get too excited but to patiently accept this journey and steer it on the correct path.
Hey there, Martha here, a full-time mom of two, currently trying to bring a small impact in everyone’s life whom I can reach through The Queen Momma. I usually write on topics related to parenting, pregnancy and motherhood. Having gone through a few rocky relationships myself, I consider myself somewhat of an “expert” on topics related to dating and relationships.
I formerly worked at Special Needs Network Inc and BrightStar Care of Beverly Hills as a head manager. I have a passion for assisting organizations and individuals in achieving their objectives and have had the opportunity to do so throughout my professional career. At present, writing for The Queen Momma is a great addition to my professional career.