You are desperate to get your ex back. You have broken up with him/her but realize now that it was a terrible mistake. And you still feel that there are chances that you two could get back together.
Well, let me tell you this right away. I cannot guarantee you that your ex will return with open arms. But there is no harm in trying if you feel so strongly for him/her.
So what should you do? How to get your ex back?
Pick up the phone, call them up and tell them that you miss them? Trust me, it is not going to work. If you force yourself on your ex, he/she will push back more. What you need is a full-proof plan. And we present that plan on a platter to you.
Before you go through our secret ways to get your ex back, wait and ponder. Do you want to take this trouble? Is your ex even worth your love? Should you give him/her a second chance?
Guesswork and emotions don’t help here. Why not use this guide to decipher the answer?
Do You Want Your Ex Back? (4 Clear Scenarios)
Breakups are devastating, but these are also a way to grow in a relationship and understand each other’s expectations better. Breakups are a signal to stop taking each other for granted.
Your feelings alone will not get your ex back. You need to cultivate a healthy relationship where both parties are open, kind, and respectful to each other.
Let us delve into the four points that clearly show that there are high chances that your ex may come back.
- You still feel the spark
You were comfortable and compatible with your ex all through your dating period. You realized that no one had come as close to your ex. You still get the butterflies when you think of your ex. The feelings are all positive, and deep within, you know that your ex was indeed special.
- You did not break up because of differences in core values
If cheating, abusing or violence was the reason for your breakup, then forget your ex. It is not worth salvaging this relationship. You have someone better waiting for you. Breaking trust and respect is a clear indication of an unhealthy relationship that should not be pursued.
But if the reason for the breakup did not include betrayal or manhandling, then there are chances that you may patch up again.
- Your relationship was fine; the circumstances were bad
You or your ex had to move to another city to grow in your career, or you may have wanted a causal relationship to start with but eventually realized that things between you could work for life. Then go ahead and give the relationship a second chance.
Relationships that break because of circumstances have the highest success rate of rekindling love and passion. When there are no personal differences involved, chances of getting back are high.
- You realize your mistake.
Your relationship went south but thinking about the mistakes committed in hindsight makes you want to improve and work on your wrongdoing. Unless it was an irreparable mistake, you should give a chance to salvage the relationship.
In a nutshell, if you believe that the issues in your relationship can be fixed, you have given yourself time but still feel horrible about not being together, and you are ready to work out the differences with your ex, wait no further. Read through this perfect plan that guides you on how to win your ex back.
The Perfect Way To Get Your Ex Back
This article can be used by anyone looking to get back with their ex. Whether you are in a straight or a gay relationship, it does not matter. The crux is that if you have had a breakup and want to get back with your ex, you need this full-fledged plan.
But why do I need a plan?
A breakup leaves you emotionally drained, hurt, and in a state of confusion. You do not want to commit mistakes without thinking which could deplete the chances of your ex getting back to you. A plan gives you direction and removes any guesswork from the path. It lets you stay focused and does not let emotions rule and spoil the hard work.
So let us get started!
#1. The “No Contact” rule
Here is the golden rule of getting back with your ex, the famous No Contact rule. It is simple, effective, but painful! All that you need to do is break all communication with your ex for a few weeks (or maybe a few months!)
So what does the rule say?
- No texting
- No calling
- No Facebook
- No WhatsApp
- No asking about your ex to common friends
That hurts! But does it work?
No Contact works the majority of times. And here are the reasons why the rule stands first in our plan for the perfect ways to get back your ex.
- Your ex needs time and space to subdue the negativity and to start missing you.
The No Contact phase is to let them realize your importance in their life.
But won’t my ex forget me if I do not contact him/her?
No! On the contrary, your ex will miss you more when you do not jump into his/her Facebook or WhatsApp daily. In short, the idea is to not show that you are needy and desperate to get back.
Your ex proposed the breakup so let him/her experience how it is to live life without you!
- You need a break too.
The breakup was chaotic, and you need time to calm yourself down and analyze what went wrong with your relationship (and if you still want to get back?).
If you were in a long-term relationship dependent on your ex all this while, then it could be just anxiousness that wants you to get back with him/her. This is not a healthy step.
Instead, you need this time to work on yourself and stand up as an individual. Who knows, you may realize that you are happier without your ex around?
Is it needing or wanting that makes you want to get your ex back?
You need this space to work on your well-being and if you are happy and fulfilled with yourself but still feel the need to win your ex back, then trust me that this second phase of your love relationship is going to be even stronger.
- It is time to work on your emotions.
Take a break and work on your fitness. Revive your life to bring in positive changes in yourself. Stop stressing and work on your confidence. If you still want your ex back, then it is the renewed confidence that will let you be attractive again to your ex.
How long is the No Contact period?
The No Contact period should be for as long as it takes you to feel confident and great from within to approach your ex again. If you are emotionally strong, then that is a signal to end the No Contact period.
Typically it takes 30 days for one to get his/her life together. However, anywhere between 15 days to 6 months should do the trick!
The No Contact period and your ex
Here are a few doubts that you may have before starting the No Contact period. We have tried to answer them for you.
- Do I have to give a No Contact notice to my ex?
You do not have to give any formal notification to your ex that you are not going to contact them. Let them keep guessing.
If your ex keeps messaging and calling, then you may want to tell them that you want a break and will get in touch with them later. Till then, they should not contact you either. You should neither reply to their calls nor to their messages.
- What if my ex starts dating again? Or worse, gets married?
Don’t worry that won’t happen. It is hard to move on especially if you were in a serious relationship. Let No Contact work to make them miss you more.
- Can the No Contact period be shortened?
You cannot make the No Contact period shorter. Period. And you do not want to go stalking them after a breakup.
A breakup is when you lose someone you love. Give your ex time to grieve your loss.
Yes, you are going to miss your ex initially but eventually, down the line, you will stop feeding into those thoughts. You won’t analyze, reflect or regret. Instead, you will work towards living a happy life and being a stronger individual. This is when your No Contact period ends.
And for your ex, the absence will make his/her heart grow fonder of you!
#2. Breakup mistakes are fatal so control your instincts
Follow your instinct, and you will screw it up all. Desperation, neediness ad insecurity is deadly and should be avoided.
Take a quick note of these common breakup mistakes so that you do not commit them. Well, you now understand why you need the No Contact rule discussed in Step 1.
- Accepting whatever they do and succumbing to all their wants is a big No.
The temptation to do what your ex demands in the hope of getting him/her back is a deadly mistake best avoided. It shows his/her control over you. He/she is getting what they want, so why work towards rekindling the relationship?
Giving into everything portrays you as desperate enough for someone to shoo you off. You do not have to chase your ex to win them back. It is a relationship between equals, and only the relationships that are based on trust and respect survive a lifetime.
So don’t sabotage the chances of winning your ex back by giving them what they want. The relationship will not work out but take a downward spiral from here, which is not something you want.
If you cannot respect yourself, then how can you expect your ex to respect you? This is a blunder best avoided.
- Don’t shower them with affection; it is not required.
Excess affection shows your desperation and neediness, and maybe your ex may think that you are manipulating them to get them back. Don’t give them a chance to make such conclusions.
- Begging and using pity is unattractive. Avoid it.
Did you have to beg and use pity to go out in the first place? Then, why now? It creates a negative vibe pushing your ex further away from your life.
- Has your ex started dating someone else?
Dating after a serious relationship is usually a rebound relationship. Your ex needs a shoulder to cry on. These relationships are superficial, and your ex will soon realize that he wants you back more than ever. Showing your jealousy will want them to drift further away from you.
- Continuous texts and calls don’t work.
Your instinct instigates you to text and calls your ex, but you already know from the No Contact rule that your instinct is fooling you.
- Acting nasty and cold backfires.
Want to hurt your ex’s back? Being cold and aloof won’t help. This will reinforce the thought that they do not want you in their life. Causing pain won’t get your ex back to you but will drive them away.
- Dating others to make your ex jealous is manipulative.
Your ex will be able to see right through your desperation if you do this. It will turn them off, and you want to avoid this mistake.
The idea is to let your ex have self-realization, which indeed is more powerful. You do not want to push him or her into what you want them to conclude.
#3. It is time to work on yourself and on the kind of relationship desired ahead.
So you agree to the No Contact period? But what do you do in the period? Here is the answer! You work towards getting stronger while your ex gets weaker.
You have this time so use it well to grow healthy, strong, independent, and more confident both emotionally and physically.
This is your detox period. Your vibe is the most attractive asset that you have. Work on it because it is a magnet that will help you get your ex back.
So let’s get you started with what you should do to get back your individuality and to create a positive vibe around yourself.
- Work on how you look
Your appearance creates the first impression, and a positive change in the way you look is sure to make your ex weak in his/her knees. You show a new version of yourself to your ex when you meet them after No Contact.
Get a haircut, a dental cleaning, work out and lose weight and buy new clothes. These physical changes could be a great way to win your ex back.
- Calm your mind
A happy and confident person is always attractive. Here is how you could work on your emotional state.
- Meditate- It lets you be aware of yourself, your weakness, and strengths and keeps you calm and aware.
- Write a journal – It is therapeutical and lets you regain back your composure.
- Spend time with friends – You need to laugh and talk and be cheerful. So reach out to friends and maybe plan a vacation or a dinner.
- Go on a date – This is the best way to take your mind off your ex and meet new people and even contemplate if you romantically miss your ex.
- Grieve- You will feel bad about the breakup. Don’t keep it in your heart; grieve about it and get it out of your system. But after that, get up and start living.
- Work on your behavioral issues
If it was your habit or your behavior that led to the breakup, then it is time to work on it.
Jealousy, lack of passion, dominating nature, insecurity, low self-esteem, and lack of trust are common traits that break relationships. If you suffer from any of these, then you may want to work on it during this period.
- Write down the pros and cons.
Why do you want your ex back? Is it a post-breakup feel? Are you in love, or are you just missing your ex? The first is the reason to get back together. The latter is an indication to move ahead.
Analyze the pros and cons of your relationship, write them down and think from your mind and not your heart. Then contemplate if it is still worth getting back.
Your relationship broke off for a reason. Have you figured out what the reason was? And most importantly, can you do anything about mending what is broken?
Figure out what was the root cause of the breakup. There are two things here.
- You do not know what the reason for the breakup was. In that case, you may end up committing the mistake again, and the relationship is going for a toss soon.
- Secondly, you know the reason, but it is irreparable, like something that may have hurt your ego or maybe you had to compromise on your individuality. It is best to let such relationships go.
However, if you can fix the cause of the breakup by changing yourself to be a better person, then it is worth giving the relationship a try.
#4. The Final Step – Contact Your Ex
You are all excited! We know. But the last step should be taken with utmost caution. You need the right time and the right message to do the trick.
Why did your ex leave you? Were you considered needy and desperate and clingy! After a long period of No Contact, they are probably wondering what happened to you. Your ex has wiped out all the bad feelings and is remembering the good old days spent with you, and Boom, it’s your message in their inbox.
Meet a new and a better you!
It is time to portray your new and confident self, and for that, you need to set up a meeting in a commonplace.
- Is this the right time to reach out to my ex?
The right time is not when your ex is ready but when you are ready.
You are through the No Contact period, you are sure that getting back with your ex is a great decision and not a decision that was taken emotionally or in haste, you are ok with the breakup, your life has changed, and even if you and your ex do not get back life is still going to be fun. This is the right time to meet your ex.
- How do I contact my ex?
The medium plays no significance. It is the message that counts. Here is how your message should be framed.
- State that you are ok with the breakup and you are sure that it was for the best.
- Write an apology if you have behaved badly during the breakup.
- Break the ice by letting your ex know about something exciting going on in your life.
These are personal and short messages framed to lighten up the excitement in your ex, making him/her desperate to meet you now.
Give it time and after building up a relationship through texts and calls, ask them out. No, this is not a date but a casual lunch or dinner. If they agree to meet you, consider a patch-up is on the way.
But the final goal is still not reached. A meeting with your ex may not be easy. They may judge you and try to put you down. Let that not make you react.
Here are a few things to be prepared with.
- Your ex may bring up topics from the past to weaken you emotionally. Be calm. Reacting to it shows that nothing has changed and all is as bad as before.
- Boundaries are important, and staying calm does not mean being dominated.
- The idea of this meetup is to have a great time with each other, not to mention about getting back together.
From here on, contact your ex only if he/she contacts you. Text them depending on how often they text you. It is a relationship of equals, but if your ex thinks you are not worth their time, move on.
If, however, things go as planned, then set a few rules.
- You are not a friend but an ex-lover. Don’t have sex but create sexual chemistry between the two of you.
- You are not a love advisor, so if they are dating someone else, you are not here to listen to that since you still have some feelings. Let them know this!
- If your ex is breaking the boundaries, don’t act desperate or needy. Just break contact. You have tried enough. Now it is his/her turn. If they need you, they will apologize and come back.
The Psychology Behind The Steps
You have not been in contact with your ex, and after some time, they start to miss you. He/she may even worry if you have moved ahead and they have lost you forever. They may even start stalking you on social media or texting you to find out about you.
Be very careful how you respond. Your instinct may want to agree to whatever is proposed because you want to get back. But availability and willingness to get back easily is a trap making you the person your ex can fall on anytime, something like a placeholder.
Talk calmly and listen to our ex without any assurance of waiting for them if they happen to come around later.
If he/she asks you out again, don’t jump into the wagon right in. Take time because both of you need space to work out if you are ready for a committed relationship. In the end, the entire effort is yours, and the only reason to get back together is if you feel that the vibe in the relationship is right.
Hey there, Martha here, a full-time mom of two, currently trying to bring a small impact in everyone’s life whom I can reach through The Queen Momma. I usually write on topics related to parenting, pregnancy and motherhood. Having gone through a few rocky relationships myself, I consider myself somewhat of an “expert” on topics related to dating and relationships.
I formerly worked at Special Needs Network Inc and BrightStar Care of Beverly Hills as a head manager. I have a passion for assisting organizations and individuals in achieving their objectives and have had the opportunity to do so throughout my professional career. At present, writing for The Queen Momma is a great addition to my professional career.