Oh, countless people know how it is — everything seems peachy, and then suddenly she breaks it off with you and breaks your heart. But is it really all that sudden? Could there have been signs?
Having your heart broken like that can definitely lead to overwhelming emotions: Anger, hurt, confusion, loss, pain all at once. And at the back of your mind lies that one question: Why? Why did she break up with me?
Amidst the heartbreak and the hopelessness and helplessness, not to mention the excruciating pain, it’s natural for you to want to seek answers and find the reason why. What is it that made her cause you this much hurt? Why did she choose to do this, especially given that there is a strong chance this decision is hurting her too?
Gaining an understanding of why your ex broke things off with you isn’t a solution that will repair things between you. It won’t fix your broken relationship just like that, and it also won’t take away your pain in an instant. But getting an answer to Why did she break up with me is a strong first step in your healing and recovery.
Why Did She Break Up With Me?
Here are 6 possible reasons why your significant other has chosen to break things off with you.
#1. SHE IS NO LONGER ATTRACTED TO YOU
Why did she break up with me? This may seem very basic, and in fact, it is. Losing attraction is among the most common of reasons for break-ups. And when we say attraction, it’s not just about a receding hairline or a different physique. There are a lot of factors involved when it comes to having attraction fade or even completely disappear.
The Physical Factor
It can’t be denied that the physical aspect can be a big factor in losing attraction. If physical appearance is something that has changed or suffered ever since you started seeing each other, then that may have contributed to your break-up. Let’s take a peek in the mirror.
Weight – Have you maybe put on quite a few pounds since starting your relationship? Or maybe you lost a little too much weight? It isn’t all that uncommon to gain or lose a significant amount of weight over the course of a few months, enough so that it may have drastically altered your appearance.
- This is something that is definitely fixable, as you can make a few changes and exert some effort towards getting back to the level of fitness you had when you first coupled up with her — or maybe improve on that even if that is something you want to do.
- Keep in mind that if she is a fitness buff or is very health-conscious, then something like this can really be a deal-breaker for them as it signals a big incompatibility between you two.
Style and Grooming – Take a good look at yourself and be honest. Have you maybe not been taking as good care of yourself as you know you should be — especially when compared to when you first met her? That may have a role in the break-up.
- The truth is, it’s a natural thing for people to start getting a bit more complacent when it comes to their looks, style, and even hygiene when they become settled into a relationship. The more comfortable we get with our significant other, the more secure we feel about ourselves. That in itself is a great thing!
- However, you have to remember that it is important to maintain a healthy balance. There is a big difference between letting yourself be comfortable being yourself — and just plain letting yourself go.
Aging – Well, this one is a challenge because aging is a natural thing, and it’s not something we can control. But that’s just if your partner is looking at your actual age. More often than not, though, this factor is not really pertaining to your number in years.
- If she all of a sudden feels that you are too old for her, this is probably more about her than how old you are. Your age gap won’t have changed no matter how long you’ve been together; it’s the same as it has always been.
- Now, your age is but a small part of the overall “attraction” factor, and if you are sailing through all the other parts, then this particular one shouldn’t affect anything all that much.
- Most likely, this isn’t about how old you are but how you are acting. More specifically, how you are acting towards her and also around her. The biggest thing is if you have changed your behavior towards her and around her since you first coupled up. Think about it:
- Have you begun to prefer hanging out with your friend group, which noticeably is older than her friend group?
- Have you become more possessive or protective of her?
- Have you not been flirting with her the way you used to?
- Have you been maybe telling her to act a particular way?
- Any of the above behaviors can make her start likening you to a parent instead of viewing you as the love of their life.
- Even if you decide to make the changes and adjustments necessary, this won’t be a quick fix because she may have already had a new ‘image’ of you in her mind, and it may take some time to turn that ‘image’ into the one that you are trying to present. In cases like these, taking some time away (with no contact, preferably) would be a good solution, especially since this will also give you time to apply the changes in your behavior that you wish to do.
The Status Factor
This one is more complex than the first. The word “status” can evoke some negative and superficial connotations, but what we are talking about here is deeper than that. This is not about how you used to be better than her, and now she is better than you. This is about her impression of your personal status now as compared to how you used to be (and compared to other potential partners as well).
Education / Career / Etc Bumps And Challenges – Life is a journey that is full of ups and downs. And plenty of that can be out of our hands.
- If, for some reason, you’re not quite as thriving in school or work as you were in the beginning, then you gotta admit that you’ve changed and you’re not the person she first was drawn to.
- Let’s say your partner doesn’t really mind how you are doing presently in your pursuits. Things like these still have a way of affecting everything else, which means it can lead to stress which can lead to over-exerting yourself, which can lead to you neglecting her.
- Or it can be the opposite and things have not at all changed in your work or studies, which you have to realize can be as bad. The goal is to get better, not to stagnate. And if you have become stagnant and she’s continued to improve herself and to grow, then she may have outgrown you.
- Look deep into yourself and take stock. What goals do you have outside of the relationship, and how have you been working actively towards reaching for them? That should be a priority for you now, and you can use the time you have away from her wisely.
Placing Them Up On A Pedestal – Okay, yes, some people are into that sort of thing. But unless this is a dynamic you both established and chose to have in your relationship ever since, then doing this is not going to be good for your relationship in the long run. And this is not advisable became though it’s natural for us to think highly of the ones we love, if we do it at our expense, then it will just backfire eventually.
- Did you always seek her approval for even the smallest of things? That may have made her feel you can’t do anything on your own and you have to turn to them for everything.
- Did you exhibit jealous or clingy behavior? Were you irrationally insecure because you just viewed them as deserving “better” than you? This can get very tiring for her.
- Did you do whatever they wanted and dropped everything for them whenever disregarding your own needs and plans? That is something akin to doormat syndrome. Of course, it’s good to prioritize her and make time for her, but if you are always bending over backward for her and never standing your ground, then she will realize that you are not the one for her.
- Now, we’re not saying you should start behaving like a jerk — just for you to start being more sincere and assertive. If you are asked for a favor, and you genuinely want to do it for her, then great. But if your heart’s not really in it, don’t be insincere and go through the motions just to be perceived as nice.
#2. SHE FINDS THAT SHE CANNOT TRUST YOU AS MUCH AS SHE WANTS TO
Why did she break up with me? Trust is one very important aspect of a relationship. It’s the foundation from which security, intimacy, and even attraction stem. And it’s this simple: If she cannot feel like she can trust you, then she cannot continue being in a relationship with you. Many things can lead her to this conclusion.
If you have lied to your partner before, then it is very easy to see why trusting you completely is not something she is able to do.
- When you have a pattern of telling little white lies, you’re not going to be able to convince her that you’re going to be completely truthful from now on. This will take time and effort as you establish goals and hold yourself accountable.
- When you do not have a record of lying, but you lied about an important thing, she may be able to forgive you. Apologize, explain clearly why it is you lied and be honest with your feelings. With time and effort, she may be able to let her anger go.
If you made promises and you did not follow through, you have set yourself up to fail and hurt her. Depending on how frequent and how severe, it may be difficult to rectify this.
- You will have to show her how genuine you are in your apology.
- You cannot promise to never break a promise again – that’s not how it works, especially since you just showed that you weren’t able to keep your word.
- Even if she gives you her forgiveness, you will have to build up trust again slowly.
An Unforgivable Act
Did you act or speak in a way that hurt her very much? Maybe insult her family or pick a fight with a close friend of hers or cause her humiliation in front of others?
- Whatever reason it is, the only thing that you can do is apologize sincerely and profusely.
- It may be that she is not ready or willing to speak with you at the moment, so you can write to her instead. Even if she does not read it at once, it’s there for her to pick up and read when she’s ready.
- Give her space and time to heal, and then try to re-engage and re-connect with her later on.
#3. SHE CANNOT GET FROM A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU WHAT SHE LONGS FOR
Why did she break up with me? Every person has certain things that they long for – and she may have desires that being with you cannot fulfill, and it’s not that she has any gripes about you or your relationship per se. It’s that she has wishes and goals and ideals that aren’t being met, a simple reason but one of the trickiest to deal with because usually there isn’t much that you can directly affect.
She Wishes To Be Single
Okay, here it is—the big one. You want to be in the thralls of couplehood, and, well, she would rather be single. The reasons for her wanting to be unattached can vary: Maybe for her, it’s too soon to be so committed, maybe she wants her focus to be on her education or career or other pursuits, maybe it’s that it’s been a long time since she’s been single. Whatever the reason may be, though, isn’t the point. Your desires are on opposite poles.
If we look a little more closely, however, it’s not completely hopeless —
- Unless she never ever wants to be in a relationship again, that longing to be single will probably have a timeframe. As in, she’d rather be single now, but not always.
- So simply put, if she doesn’t have any actual grips or issues about you or your relationship, there’s always hope that you can pick up where you left off after her desire to be unattached has been fulfilled.
- Of course, just because it’s not hopeless doesn’t mean it’s easy. You still broke up, and it still hurts for you. And then also there’s the fact that you don’t really know how long it is you’ll have to wait. She may not know herself, truthfully.
- Barring the possibility that she was actually completely wrong about what she thought she wanted (being single), she is not going to miss you to the point that she changes her decision to be single. It will take a while, most likely. Maybe months, maybe even years.
- Listen closely and listen well: Trying to change her decision or influence it will most likely make things worse for you and for her. Rather, use this time wisely. Things seem very bleak sure, but you have the present and the future to look forward to. Focus on other aspects of your life so that when the time comes that she’s ready to be in a relationship again, you’ll be there and ready.
She Wishes To Date Other People
This is another doozy. And if it’s her reason, it’s certainly understandable why she may be hesitant or unwilling to freely tell you so. What she may be looking for may vary: Maybe she doesn’t want to be fully committed to one person at the moment, maybe she would like to explore her options, maybe she wants an open relationship right now and you don’t. What you have to find out is if she has any issues of gripes about you or your relationship.
If she doesn’t have any actual issues with you or your relationship, then honestly, your next steps are in the same vein as if she had wished to be single. Give her the time she needs, absolutely doesn’t pressure her, and focus on yourself. At worst, she may meet someone she’d rather be with than you. Then again, this can go the other way, and she may meet someone who makes her realize the person she really wants is you.
She Wishes To Move Forward In Your Relationship In Ways You’re Not Willing Or Ready
And this is yet another thing that boils down to incompatible goals. This may be about a proposal, marriage, kids, living together, or even going fully committed. When she wants to move forward in your relationship, and you do not want to at the moment or she feels like you do not want to, this may lead her to feel she has no other option but to just cut losses.
What is most important here is for you to consider what it is you truly want. Be completely honest about what you desire and what you are ready for right now, both with yourself as well as with her. It may be tempting to just go with it because you really don’t want to lose your partner, but going in deeper than what you may be ready for is never advisable, and it will never work out in the long run. You’re no longer on the same page, and pretending you are is just going to cause a whole lot more pain inevitably.
#4. SHE IS UNFULFILLED IN HER EMOTIONAL NEEDS
Why did she break up with me? One of the most important, if not the most important, factors in a happy, healthy relationship is ensuring that your emotional needs are both fulfilled. No matter the intensity of the attraction and how compatible you are in interests and goals that is all in vain if emotionally you are both unfulfilled.
When in a long-term relationship, we are constantly evolving, and our lives are constantly shifting and moving, and whether consciously or not, you may have stopped being in tune with her desires and needs.
- For whatever reason, you may have begun to dedicate more of your time and attention towards other pursuits or people, and she may not have been able to spend as much time she’d like to with you.
- Or, the amount of time you spent with her did not change, BUT the quality of that time spent together has been lacking. You may not have been really communicating as much as before when you are together, or you may have called and texted her less and less, or your responses may have become vaguer, which led to a disconnect.
- Things like these build a wall between you two slowly, and it may even come off as you being deceptive or evasive or distant.
Intimacy represents the trust and cares two people have for one another that enables them to be themselves and to be vulnerable with each other. It is a huge foundation in relationships, and a romantic relationship will not go the extra mile without it.
- Has the romance decreased or even disappeared altogether? Attraction, comfort, interest, sexual tension – these are all key factors in a romantic relationship, and without them, the flame could fizzle out.
- Have fights and arguments become more frequent? Interactions that are negative lead to walls being built and intimacy being hindered.
- Have conversations about your feelings become rare or nonexistent? Giving each other validation and a safe space for how you feel are important things in a relationship.
- Does your temper flare up easily? This can definitely make it hard for someone to be vulnerable and intimate with you.
If she felt she didn’t have you to lean on for emotional support, it’s no surprise she broke up with you. Supporting your partner and having her back is a vital part of a healthy relationship.
- You make have been lacking in support of her passions and goals, and if she felt that deficit, she probably felt you did not care about her and her dreams.
- You may not have acknowledged her accomplishments or complimented her. She’s not a mindreader, and this most likely made her feel her achievements didn’t matter to you.
- You may have held yourself back from opening up when you were vulnerable, and it most likely made her feel you did not trust her completely. Trusting your partner to accept you and help you and be there for you is so important in a relationship.
This is a simple fact: If someone does not feel secure in a relationship, that relationship is not going to last.
- Did you give her any reason to doubt you’ll still be with her in a year or two?
- Did you face some instability financially?
- Did you become someone who was bad at keeping their word? If there’s one thing you should remember from this section, it’s this: You will never have a happy, lasting relationship with anyone if you are bad at keeping promises. Hold yourself accountable.
Lacking agency and autonomy in a relationship can make anyone feel trapped. And if that is the case, then it is no surprise that her instinct was to get out. Guys are conditioned to be authoritative and assertive, but sometimes this crosses the line to being controlling, such as:
- You forbade her from going out and socializing with her friends – or tried to.
- You consistently asked her where she was and what she was doing
- You always nagged her about things you say she should do
- You demanded she gives you her passwords on her socials and let you access her phone
- You made her decisions for her, constantly
#5. SHE JUST WASN’T COMPATIBLE WITH YOU
Why did she break up with me? Here’s a truth bomb: We are all going through life in different directions and speeds, and we each have our own desires and wants – and not everyone will share the same set of values. This simple fact is the reason why not everyone will be compatible with each other. And honestly, compatibility is a big factor for a relationship to last. The strongest attraction, chemistry, and even the deepest understanding can’t make up for the lack of compatibility. Of course, that doesn’t mean opposites don’t attract, and actually, a little difference actually makes for a great pairing. But real, true incompatibility? That can be a deal-breaker.
You Are At Different Points In Your Lives
Maybe you’re just not on the same page right now. Maybe you don’t have enough common ground — how you were raised, your personalities, maturity level, way of thinking, general attitude, educational background, etc., all of these factor into the big stuff like our views on marriage, having kids, career paths, and other crucial life decisions.
- If she felt you are just at different points in life, that may have driven her to end things.
- This is not impossible to compromise on. What matters is that you stay true to yourself still.
Your Lifestyles Differ
The presence of habits that she can’t tolerate, especially those that may be unhealthy, can lead to her deciding not to put up with you as a whole.
- Overindulgence in alcohol, smoking, drugs is the more obvious. But even something “harmless” like being addicted to gaming can be a deal-breaker if the dependency is too high.
- If the drinking or the drugs has reached the point of being an addict, then getting her back should be the least of your concerns. Seek help and work on yourself before anything else.
- Did you use to waste away your weekends stuck to your video game or on the couch lighting it up? Take this time to re-think your choices and better your habits.
Your Values Are Incompatible
Values are unique to every person, and we can’t all share the same values. But when it comes to being in a relationship, if your values don’t line up or are at least similar in ways, then this can definitely be a deal-breaker.
- An obvious first step is being willing to compromise on some values you have and prioritize hers, but being honest with yourself and with her is the most crucial thing here. Don’t compromise just to keep her.
- More importantly, do not ask or demand that she compromise her values for you.
You Are Sexually Incompatible
The reality is that this reason is very, very common in break-ups.
- Was she not having sex with you as much as you wanted? Maybe she was losing attraction, or maybe she was unfulfilled emotionally, as mentioned above.
- Were you not able to fulfill her sexually? It may be due to any of these:
-If the sex decreased, think carefully. Was it your sex drive decreasing that caused it? Was it a lack of opportunity and time? Was your attraction to her waning? Here, sexual incompatibility is but a symptom of something much bigger.
-Were you uncomfortable with some sexual acts? If this is it, then a workaround is to build up to it or suggest something similar that you feel more comfortable with.
-Are there medications or medical issues that are affecting your performance in the sack? This is understandable and usually is not a deal-breaker on its own.
- Was it possible she felt that she could not fulfill you sexually? It may be that you are more adventurous than she is comfortable within bed, or she’s not as active sexually as you would like, or you may not have openly communicated your desires or preferences
#6. SHE WANTS TO BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE
Why did she break up with me? Well, this is the one nobody wants to hear. But it is certainly a possibility. If there’s someone else she’d rather be with over it, that’s actually just a part of something deeper. The thing is, for her to choose to be with someone else over you signifies that he is more of value to her than you. In her heart, right now, at this point in her life, she believes that he is a better fit for her. It may be one of these things —
He Provides Value In Ways You Didn’t Or Couldn’t
Maybe you did before, but maybe you changed, and now you are not able to give her what she needs. Look at the previous five points above as it could be one of these.
You Haven’t Changed Or Grown Since You First Got Together – But She Has
Sadly, this happens. If you’ve maybe remained stagnant and she has ‘improved’ or felt like she ‘upgraded’ herself, then she would maybe want to be with someone she perceives to be more on her current level. If this is the case, turn your attention towards raising your own profile or perceived market value.
Whatever her reasons, what you should not do is confront her about him. What you should do instead is to remove yourself from the equation. Give her the space she needs and just use this time you now have to focus on yourself.
Why did she break up with me? That is a question that is certainly weighing heavily on your mind and in your heart. There are many reasons why this may have happened. Whatever the reason is, once you figure it out, it’s a start. It will get you on the road to healing yourself… and maybe eventually even heal your relationship with her.