101 Funny Parenting Advice For First Time Parents

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So, you have become a parent to a newborn munchkin?

Congratulations!

I’m a mother to a two-year-old baby girl, and whenever I meet new parents or couples who are expecting, I get asked these questions a lot, “What is your experience as a parent?” “Have you got any advice for us?”

And the first answer that comes to my mind is, “Yes, it’s time that you prepare yourself to say goodbye to your sleep!” And I laugh sarcastically.

But really, being a parent is really difficult, and it comes with a lot of responsibilities. You need to make so many sacrifices.

Since my baby was born, I have never been to a movie theatre to watch a movie. In fact, even if I watch a movie at home, I never get the time to complete watching the entire movie in a go, as I need to feed my baby, play with her and take care of all her tantrums in between.

And this is just one percent of parenting! There are so many other things that you need to take care of.

Did I tell you what makes parenting more difficult, especially for first-time parents?

The unwanted advice that you get from people! And some advice is so absurd and illogical that you can lose your cool at times.

I’m here to offer you a time full of pure laughter. I have come up with some funny advice to new parents. Most of these are from my personal experiences. Also, I have included some bad advice that would be better avoided!

Funny Advice to New Parents

Funny Advice to New Parents

Read them all and see if you can relate to them. I bet you will!

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  • Have you been calling out your kids in the house, but none of them is responding, and you can’t find them either? Switch off the internet for a few minutes. And trust me, they will all come out one by one. This has worked for me really well!
  • Have you noticed lately that your kids are no longer yelling at each other and being very good to each other? Don’t just overlook it. Be very, very suspicious.
  • My kid had a bad dream, and she screamed. I tried to comfort her by saying, “Don’t be afraid, dear. Reality is far worse than you dream.” But it didn’t work.
  • Are you getting frustrated with your kids as their craziness has crossed all the limits? Ask them to play hide and seek with you. While they hide, you count from 1 to 1000. You will get some alone time for a few minutes.
  • Are you feeling exhausted with all the duties of your kids? Give them some balloons and ask them to catch them while you turn the fan on. This will buy you a few minutes.
  • Don’t give everything to your child that they ask for or don’t listen to them every time they throw tantrums. If you do, well, Trump can happen!
  • If your little one says that they are going to poop, do take them seriously. I just got back from the shower.
  • Feeling exhausted after taking care of your kids for hours? Do you wish you could have some time for yourself? Take all the pairs of socks you have, mix them up, and ask your kids to find the matches. Now sip from a hot cup of coffee and relax.

Read More: 10 Tips For Getting a Relaxing Vacation with Your Kids

  • My two-year-old kid came to me and asked for duct tape. You don’t want to know what happened after that. If your kid comes to you and asks for the same, DO NOT give it to them because what they will do with it is something you don’t want.
  • Are you scared of cockroaches? Then train your kids in such a way that they would be the ones to deal with it.
  • Have your kids seen your angry face? Try not to show your anger to them. Kids do what they see. If they see you react that way, they will behave the same when they don’t get something they wish for.
  • Is your toddler sitting on their high chair or bed and is throwing their play balls on the ground? Never make the mistake of picking that up for them. Because if you do, they will throw that again and again until you get tired and even after that. Instead, put them down and tell them to go and bring the ball themselves. Now please excuse me, I feel tired like a dog.
  • If you are at a park with your 2-year-old and they are refusing to hold your hand, show them that you are running away from them. This will make them run after you, and they are never going to leave your hand.
  • If your 2-year-old comes to you running just to say that they have not pooped. There is a 100% chance that they have already pooped.
  • Do your kids want you to play with them? First, play hide and seek with them. And then you know what to do, right?
  • Make sure to teach your kids never to throw tantrums or ask for something that they don’t really need. But even if they do, it should be something that you can use
  • Want some “me” time so that your kids don’t disturb you? Dress like the furnishings of your home. Your kids will not be able to find you. They will think that you are the part of the curtain or the bedsheet.
  • Is your baby not sleeping well? Give them a bottle of water. Well, don’t listen to it because your baby needs formula or breastmilk.
  • If you make up your mind that you will not have painful labor, then you will not.
  • Always make your kids wear woolen underwear. Otherwise, the chances are that they will suffer from asthma.
  • As soon as you get back from the hospital, start running if you want to fasten the process of losing weight.
  • Does your baby bite you while you nurse them? Bite them back.
  • Don’t you want your child to develop delayed speech? Then don’t make use of a white noise machine.
  • Never tickle your child. Otherwise, they will stutter when they age.
  • Don’t ever let your baby alone with your husband. Men have less patience, and they can end up hurting your baby if they cry a lot.
  • Always make sure that your baby is crawling the right way. Be with them and teach them how to do it properly. Otherwise, when will not be able to read when they age.
  • You need to store your breast milk before your baby is born – at least a month. You can use a pump for it.
  • Is it your baby’s teething time? Give them a Slim Jim.
  • Are you planning on getting intimate with your husband for the first time after having a child? Make use of Crisco as lubricant!
  • Do you breastfeed your child? Don’t go overboard with it. Otherwise, your child will be obese when they become a teenager.
  • You don’t need to feed your baby multiple times a day. Feed them only twice a day.
  • Do you not breastfeed your baby and give them formula? This means you don’t love your baby much.
  • Always make sure your baby is wearing shoes. Otherwise, they will catch a cold.
  • Don’t make your babies wear headbands. They hurt the head of your baby.
  • While you are pregnant, make sure that your arms are always below your head. Don’t lift them above. Otherwise, your umbilical cord will get wrapped around the neck of your baby.
  • Are you not producing enough milk for breastfeeding your baby? Drink a beer every day.
  • Is your baby upset? Put some alcohol in their feeding bottle and let them have it mixed with water.
  • Does your baby cry a lot? Just let them be.
  • Breastfeed your kid until they turn seven years old.
  • Before you give birth to your baby, make sure to clean your nipples by rubbing them with a washcloth. This is to make your nipples ready and clean for breastfeeding.
  • Does your baby make you stay up all night as they don’t sleep at night at all? Give them Benadryl.
  • When your baby is starting to learn how to stand, don’t give them any support. Otherwise, they may end up being bow-legged.
  • Don’t want to hurt your baby’s back? Don’t make them be in a sitting position.
  • Is your baby having problems sleeping? Give them a bottle of water to drink.
  • Don’t want your kid’s ears to stick out? Tape them down.
  • Don’t worry if your kid gets really close to the fire. In order to learn their lesson, they need to touch the fire.
  • Want to take a rest? Sleep when your baby is sleeping.
  • Do your kids team up to annoy you? Talk to them separately and teach them how they can annoy each other.
  • Are your kids not listening to you? Tell them that you will call Santa and make sure that they don’t receive any gifts from Santa during Christmas.
  • Are your kids not paying enough attention to you? Just go to YouTube and play a random video. And the next thing that you will notice is your kids by your side.
  • Do your kids go to sleep late at night? Want to make them sleep early? Put them to bed when it’s 7 p.m. in the evening. And you will see that they actually sleep when it’s 9 p.m.
  • Are you planning to bride your kid for something? Of course, but before you agree to give them what they ask for, make sure you know its price using the internet. I’m almost broke now.
  • Do you always read bedtime stories to your child? Then you can tell them it is you who wrote all those stories. They will believe you.
  • If your child does something that you told them not to do, and then they regret doing so, make sure you tell them, “I told you so.”
  • If you fail to do something, it is cool to justify it by saying, “at least I feed the babies on time and take complete care of them.”

Also Read: 40 Inspirational Parenting Quotes To Boost Your Confidence

  • Do you feel exhausted by answering the tons of questions that your kids have? Ask them open-ended questions, and you can buy some time for yourself.
  • The scariest hood is parenthood. Beware!
  • Do you know what is the easiest and the quickest way to get your child’s attention? Just sit down and relax.
  • Ninety-one percent of parenting is thinking about the time when you can get to lie down again.
  • When you have kids at home, it’s like you are living in a frat house where everything is broken and no one sleeps.
  • Have you ever wondered if evolution is true? Then how come we, mothers, still have only two hands?
  • Parenting advice? Well, there is no advice. Things have become hard for you. Accept it. Kids these days don’t listen.
  • Both you and your home can’t look pretty and clean together.
  • Now that you have become a new mother, your life now revolves around changing diapers and feeding your baby. The more quickly you accept it, the better.
  • Some days, when it’s 3 a.m. in the morning, and I still am feeding the baby with no sleep at all, I so wish I could sleep like my husband!
  • Want a vacation? Ask your husband to take care of your kids at home while you go grocery shopping.
  • Did you know that you gain almost 75 percent of your daily calories just by licking knives?
  • Don’t ever cut your toddler’s sandwiches into squares when they ask you to make them in triangle shapes. I repeat, never.
  • I’m a parent to a 2-year-old, and I have just realized that your baby can smell when you have just started relaxing. So don’t relax in front of them.
  • Don’t step away for even a second when you have a toddler in the house. Because you never know what is going to happen next.
  • No, there is no comparison between your dog’s problems and parenting. After all, your dog can’t call your name 4000 times a day.
  • Never leave a 3-year-old alone. They are like a walking and talking middle finger.
  • If you let your one-and-a-half-year-old roam in the house without wearing diapers, God save you.
  • Cherish the day you buy a new car and bring it home. Because it is the last day, you are going to see it clean.
  • Always be nice to your kids. After all, they are the ones to choose your nursing home.
  • Do you know what I find to be difficult? When my kid actually does something hilarious, I have to be fake mad at them.
  • Make the most out of it when your kids sleep.
  • Never try to flirt with your husband when your kid is still awake and with you. You never know who and what they are going to tell it.
  • Want to keep your kids at home? Try letting all the air out of the tires of your car.
  • Once you have pushed the baby out of your body, go and buy poster boards that are worth 16 years. If you do this, this will save you from those uncountable trips to CVS.
  • Is your kid throwing tantrums every time you feed them? Take their teddy in hand and beat it up. Then see how your kid eats their food.
  • Whenever your child cries, you cry louder. This will make them forget that they were crying, and they will be concerned about why you are crying.
  • Do you have a toddler? Never eat chocolate in front of them. Eat only when they are asleep.
  • You are going to get poop all over your body. It doesn’t matter how hard you try. This will happen. I’m just coming from the bathroom after cleaning myself up.
  • If your kid pinches you for the first time and you laugh at how adorable they look, you are gone. They are going to do that for years.
  • Did your kid just say that they have learned a magic trick? Always stay alert.
  • Always pay extra attention to what you are feeding your child. Give them noodles only when it is their bathing time next.
  • Always choose your words thoughtfully when you are with your kids. They pick up what you say quickly.
  • If your kid pulls your hair, you pull their hair too. This way, they will understand that it hurts and will stop doing it.
  • Don’t use your mobile phone while you are breastfeeding your baby and trying to put them to sleep. Because if you laugh out loud after reading or seeing something, it may wake the baby up and spoil all your plans.
  • Want to embarrass your kids when they grow up? Take videos of all the funny things they did when they were kids.
  • If you make your kids learn how to read, they will know when you skip lines and pages while reading them bedtime stories.
  • Buy tissues in bulk because you are going to need them all –  sooner or later.
  • My toddler used to make a scene every time I changed her diaper. So now I take her teddy and put a diaper on it too. My baby doesn’t cry anymore.
  • Hey, new parent, say goodbye to privacy. Your kid is going to follow you in your washroom too.
  • Sometimes, when I wake up from a deep sleep and forget about my baby for a few seconds, I look at the house, see all the mess, and then it is all clear to me.
  • Being a parent means cleaning your house all the time, and still, at the end of the day, you have a messy house with broken things.
  • I will always be by my child’s side and encourage her no matter what. But right now, my 2-year-old’s only aim in life is to open and close all the drawers in the house, and that is the one thing that I don’t want to encourage.
  • It would be good if you could stay mentally prepared that you may need to run to the hospital any time of the day – all thanks to your 2-year-old.
  • Are you frustrated and looking for ways to vent all your anger? Which rhyme does your baby love the most? My baby’s favorite rhyme is “Humpty Dumpty.” I sing to the tune of this rhyme to vent all my anger and frustration while I put her to sleep. Try it. You will love this therapy.

Also Read: 15 Tips for First Time Parents to Help with Discipline

Conclusion

These funny advice to new parents is sure to make you laugh. You can relate to many of these, too, isn’t it? And some advice is so weird that you can actually understand that they can’t be true, and they fall under bad advice.

I hope you had a great time laughing.

Which of these bits of advice can you relate to?

Let me know in the comments!

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